How the Hell?

I remember that first game of the season when I hadn’t planned to play everyone. I looked down the bench and there was Heidi, red-faced and teary-eyed and me feeling like a total jackass for shattering the basketball dreams of this little girl. “How the hell did THAT happen?” ran through my mind as I called her number for that walk of shame to the scorer’s table to play those final 50 seconds of the game.

“How the hell did that happen?” was the thought when I clashed with my sister a couple of weeks ago after missing our date for the Warriors game. I forgot about our plans and she waited out there for me and she was irate when we talked on the phone later. I was apologetic but also pissed that she was so pissed (you know, because I would have just let it go). We made up fairly quickly, but there was serious venom between us for a good 24 hours.

I carried no ill-intent in either of those situations, hence the surprise to find my player and my sister upset with me. But I do understand what I did to incite their anger, whether it was justifiable (not playing everyone) or irresponsible (forgetting our Friday plans). I hate having people upset with me and so I’ve recounted these situations ad nauseam so that I could fully understand them after being initially puzzled.

Tonight, I find myself totally single…I think. Hell, I’m not even sure. Being completely honest…at the moment I do not know whether I am dating someone or not. And it’s out of the blue — how the HELL did it happen? No clashes, no arguments, no fallings out. Just way less affection and a mysterious revival of the awkwardness that plagues couples on their first dates. But it’s no longer the charming awkwardness that provides a tipoff to attraction. Instead, it’s the embedded knowledge that something about the picture has changed although it remains untouched to any passerby.

And even though we discussed the situation and it seemed like a resolution had been reached, tonight I cannot explain why the situation changed or even what the situation is. I feel there’s more I must do (or should have done) although nothing seems like the right thing to do. I just know that we haven’t talked for real and the days are piling on…

Edit [Wednesday morning]: Not to discount what I typed before, but I suppose I was a little dramatic.